**Due to technical difficulties, this ended up being late, sorry everyone**
Very few people ever say that dirty talk comes naturally to them or that they are really great at sharing their fantasies with their partners. In fact, for most of us, those can be sensitive topics that leave us feeling vulnerable and are often associated with fears of being judged or rejected. If you've been to the home screen of my site, you've seen one of my all-time favorite quotes by Dr. Ruth Westheimer, "When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears." Getting a brain-body connection going increases your sexy time immeasurably. So, today I'm hoping I can help the conversations regarding these topics go a little bit easier or perhaps make you feel a bit more comfortable. So.... let's get dirty.
#1 Most Common Sexual Fantasies
First off, sexual fantasies, dirty talk, and role-play are all very much related. They are also all very natural. As children, we engage in imaginative and creative play instinctually. As adults, we exercise our imaginations less often, and due to life experiences and hurts, we often feel shame, guilt, embarrassment, or more because of our imaginations. I'm not even referring to the sexual variety of imaginative play here; I'm talking about any imaginative play. When was the last time we just let our minds create and wander and actually felt comfortable sharing that with anyone? Bring the emotionally charged topic of sexuality into the fantasies, and it can become even more difficult to accept our own imaginations, let alone share them with another.
So, to first put your mind, hopefully, at a little bit of ease, I wanted to go over the 7 most common sexuality-related fantasies; maybe you'll realize that what you thought was really "weird" about you is actually quite common.
Multi-Partner Sex. Now, this ranges from a threesome to a full-blown Bacchanalian orgy, but by far, this is the most common fantasy type for Americans.
Power Dynamic, Rough Sex, Kinky Play I want to say that any gender can have fantasies regarding domination, kink play, or BDSM regarding any other gender. If you identify as male, that does not mean that you have to fantasize about being the dominant one. If you identify as female, you are not relegated to mere fantasies of always being the one to submit. So put yourself perhaps in an unexpected role. While perhaps the idea of doing something outside or perhaps the perceived gender stereotypes in real life can be daunting, getting to explore different avenues and ideas is what is so wonderful about fantasizing.
Voyeurism/Exhibitionism If you do not know, voyeurism is arousal caused by watching an unsuspecting person or people engaged in a private intimate or sexual act. Exhibitionism is on the other end of voyeurism; it is the act of becoming aroused by others consensually watching you have sex or by exposing parts of your body to unsuspecting participants. Perhaps your fantasies are of the non-consensual variety when it comes to this idea, but that's a great way to play with fantasies (make sure the non-consensual bit stays in fantasy only.)
Sex in Public or Unusual Locations Perhaps for you, it's the idea of getting naughty in the back of the movie theater. Maybe it's having sex outside on a camping trip or a day at the park. Maybe you dream of joining the mile-high club. Once again, fantasy is a great realm for exploring these ideas without putting yourself in risky situations.
Roleplay or Cosplay Scenarios To distinguish here, roleplay and cosplay, while they can interact, can also be two very distinct things. Roleplay is the taking on another identity for a sexual encounter, which can be as elaborate or as simple as those involved want. Cosplay is the act of dressing up like someone or something else. Those who go to a comic convention often will participate in cosplay, and those who are part of the furry community also cosplay. The cosplay can be part of a roleplay scenario, but cosplay in and of itself does not have to be sexual.
Romantic Sex While the ideas in Hollywood and books and movies are very seldom true to life; it doesn't change the fact that many of us still crave those immensely romantic interactions. Making love on a bearskin rug in front of a fire. Your partner drawing you a bath, or you both bathe each other surrounded by candles. Perhaps you crave to have a more slowed-down and sensual experience. What is romantic differs from person to person, yet many of us want it and fantasize about romantic interactions regularly.
Gender-Bending and Homoeroticism For many people, the idea of getting to express their gender in a way that is not normal to them or be attracted to a gender they may not typically be attracted to can be exciting. I do want to point out that gender-bending does not mean someone is transgender. Gender-bending is about playing with society's expected gender roles and representations and how those pertain to you and can be participated in by all and any genders.
While there are many subcategories under each of these fantasy umbrellas, these are the major overarching themes. So, remember, fantasy does not hurt anyone and is a safe space for your mind to explore. If you are going to engage in fantasy play with another, make sure it is consensual, legal, and risk-aware.
#2 Fantasy Sharing
The mind is our biggest sex organ, and why not use our brains to stimulate the brains of our partners by sharing our fantasies and the things that turn us on? Well, because sharing our fantasies with a new person can be scary. So, how can we share our fantasies with our partners without it being quite so scary? Using a Yes, No, Maybe list can be a great way to get conversations going concerning what you may and may not both be interested in, and this is a way to bring up topics without feeling self-conscious since you aren't the one bringing it up per se.
If you bring the topics up on your own, I will encourage you to do it in a neutral setting. Plan to have a sit-down conversation with the partner(s), where you can have undistracted time to be open and honest. You want to remind yourself that fantasies are normal and that their basis is an underlying desire or need no matter what yours are. Finding out what that underlying desire or need is to explain that can be useful along with the fantasies. For example, if your fantasy is to have a threesome, your partner may experience fears that they're not enough for you or that you may actually want someone else. This shouldn't necessarily be brought up in the middle of an intimate situation, especially if it's a fantasy you are not sure how you're partner(s) will react. If you explain that it's actually that you enjoy seeing them receive pleasure, or seeing them letting go of their inhibitions, or whatever it is for you, that can make fantasy more palpable to others.
Don't be afraid to seek help in sharing your fantasies, either. For many people getting a sex coach or therapist to help them navigate these conversations can be helpful. Make sure that you look for providers who are kink-aware and who are trained in sexuality-related issues. Check out the American College of Sexologists (ACS) and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).
#3 Dirty Talk
Have you ever had to give a speech in front of a group of people? Perhaps you stood in front of the class and stammered. Have you ever been in a play or production and forgotten your lines? When you're in the middle of an intimate encounter, and you're partner suddenly asks you to talk dirty to them, it can take you back to those same feelings, and you're sitting there wondering, "What's my line?" For so many of us, getting to just accepting our fantasies can be difficult; leaping talking about fantasies or engaging in dirty talk during intimate encounters can be a difficult step. There are tons of ideas out there to make it a bit easier, so be sure to go through the links above, too.
My two biggest suggestions would be to start simple and to do what comes naturally to you. By simply bringing in a pet name, or a taboo phrase, like "little one," "daddy," "mommy," "pet," "baby girl," "goddess," "my King," "my Liege," "your majesty," these can all be great ways to begin talking dirty. Also, make it something you would actually say and something that actually turns you on. If you are turned on by it, you will be much more enthusiastic, and enthusiasm is huge in turning on you and your partner(s).
Another great tip is to describe what is happening to the person or what you would like to do to that person at the moment. For example, "Look at how excited your nipples are getting when I suck on them," or "I'm going to suck your cock until your eyes are rolling back in your head and your legs are shaking."
So often, we see dirty talk as having to be elaborate or super taboo in nature when really it comes down to how we say something. Try playing away with your tone, maybe using a hushed tone or whisper in your partner(s) ear. You could try a more aggressive or growling tone. Perhaps a whiny, little, or ditzy tone. Playing with how we say something is just as important when it comes to dirty talk.
Finally, it can be great to start trying dirty talk via text or writing. In writing, we can edit ourselves and try out multiple ideas without being face-to-face with someone. It takes the worry over stuttering, mispronunciation, or sounding silly out. We can write out a fantasy that turns us on or send a simple text like, "Hey sexy, I can't wait to see you tonight for dinner, and I'd love to have you for dessert." Even if you practice by just writing for your own personal enjoyment, that still works. Remember, the more you practice dirty talk, whether via text or verbally, the more natural it will become.
#4 Role Play
For any of us who were never into the drama club, acting in any form or fashion can seem scary or silly. Even if you were the lead actor/actress in a drama club, sexy roleplay could be daunting. Roleplay is meant to be freeing and a chance to explore possibilities and fantasies, but it can also be a huge step out of the comfort zone for many people. So how can we make it a little bit easier?
First and foremost, you've got to talk to your partner(s) about the role play. What are you hoping to get out of it? What is the fantasy or story you want to go through? How elaborate do you want it to be? This is a scene you should be creating as a team, and as a team, all members of it should feel comfortable with and excited about the plan. Remember, role play doesn't have to be a big production either. You can use clothes in your closets, items around the house, and you don't even have to leave home.
For many, though, a chance of scenery can make it a bit easier to get into the role. Perhaps for you making it into a big affair can make it easier. Perhaps you can go shopping for clothes and props together. Maybe book a dinner reservation at a new restaurant, or reserve a table at the new lounge in town. Perhaps let the grandparents watch the kids or furbabies and spend a night or weekend at a hotel.
Roleplay is about taking that next step in our fantasy lives—a way to live out fantasies that maybe we wouldn't ever be comfortable living out in reality. Being able to participate in fantasy play consensually can be freeing, cathartic, and relationship building. Talking to a sex coach or dropping by your local adult store can be a great resource in perhaps helping you build a roleplay scenario. Remember that you and your partner(s) are probably not professional actors and that it's ok to laugh or mess up. This is about doing something different and intimate with a person you care about, not about winning an Oscar. So enjoy the experience with your partner.
#5 When Fantasies Don't Line Up
So, perhaps the thing you were most worried about has happened. You did the "Yes, No, Maybe list" and found out you were drastically different in your desires. Or maybe you expressed your fantasy or tried doing some dirty talk, and it was not well received, or something you are really not into. What happens now?
Well, first off, find out why they shared with you the fantasy. Perhaps, depending on your relationship dynamic, they just wanted to tell you something so you could know more about them. They may not have any desire to have you fulfill that role or desire but just wanted to express it to you to know them more fully. Perhaps, too, they were trying to see if you were truly a safe space for them. Maybe they already had an inkling that it wasn't your thing, but they wanted to know that you wouldn't judge them. So if someone shares a desire that isn't yours, say something along the lines of, "Thank you so much for sharing that with me and trusting me with that. That's not really something I'm into, but I'm glad you told me," and then see where the conversation goes.
If someone shares a desire that you are not into and wants you to do it with them, that's ok, as long as all involved understand who's desire it is and who's it isn't, and that the participating in desires that are not entirely mutual are reciprocated. A bit of quid pro quo. This does not mean that you should ever do anything that you are absolutely against, that grosses you out, or triggers you, or hurts you in any way. This should still be consensual, but sometimes, there is an amount of giving and take that transpires when we are in a relationship.
Perhaps for you, you've taken dirty talk too far or pushed a roleplay to a place that may have hurt or triggered your partner or turned them off. Firstly, be kind to yourself, you're a human being who makes mistakes, and you were caught up in the moment. Acknowledge their feelings, and see if you can move on or if you need to stop for now. "I'm so sorry if that hurt you. I was testing things out. If that offended you or hurt you, I will do my absolute best not to say that again. Would you like to keep going, or would you rather we cuddle and talk for a little bit?" If it was just getting tongue-tied or a word mess up, then laugh about it, brush it off, try again. All of this is a growing process for all involved. Be honest with yourself, with your partner(s), and when necessary, seek out help.